So I got a positive pregnancy test.
Don’t worry, it was a dream. Wouldn’t that be a plot twist?
No, I dreamed I got a positive pregnancy test. It was so significant that a garbage truck drove by at 4:30am to wake me up.
I’m not one to remember my dreams or count them as significant. I’m learning to think differently, though, and trust in God. That’s what I asked for. That’s what brought me here, remember?
I’m at my friend Jessica’s house. She has been a longstanding member of my life, and enormous for transition. She and her husband hold a very special place in my heart.
I have been following my intuition on who to stay with and where to stay, not really committing to anyone until it feels right. If it doesn’t, or if things don’t align, I keep moving. I figure everyone is playing an important role during this shift and they all have something important to say to me.
I have been friends with Jessica since 6th grade. Ironically, we don’t have a tremendous amount in common and never have. We’ve never been extraordinarily close in the BFF, let’s talk every day, sense. We are transitional friends. We are “fall back” friends. We are “in time of crisis, I will always be there” friends.
It is pretty amazing really, when I look back on my life. Sixth grade is pretty huge as far as transitions go. She was with me in high school when I found out I was pregnant.
I took a test before school. I read it and didn’t want to believe it was true. I drove to school, and when I got there my son’s dad called me on my enormous brick of a Nokia cell phone.
“It is definitely positive,” he said.
She was there. She held me and we cried. She asked what I was going to do. I felt so alone in that moment, but I wasn’t. She was there with me. She was holding me and supporting me when I was afraid.
Anyhow, after I had moved in with Matt and shortly before we moved to Nashville, she was there. She was with me all the time. She was the only friend I had at that time too.
God, I hated my job as a therapist. I did. It was nothing like I had envisioned. Nothing. There was no glitz or glamour. It was just draining, monotonous, and depressing. She let me complain. On and on and on, I would go. She just listened. She never questioned me a lot.
Even then, I knew, “I have a great job.” “This is what I went to school for.” “I should love this.”
I didn’t. It was awful. I loathed going to work every day and working long hours and getting no thanks for any of it. I loathed it.
When I transitioned to Nashville, I didn’t see much of her anymore. We live in two different states, after all, and adulting is hard.
It just so happens that she sends me a random text when I am at my mom’s. I had been there over the weekend. I had just flown back from Boulder. I was reeling.
I wouldn’t tell her what happened, but that I was staying at mom’s. She didn’t press. I told her I was sick from my mom smoking in the house and her chemical cleaners.
She told me to come stay with her. She didn’t ask any questions. She said she had a spare room. So, I did. I drove my oldest son back to his father who lives about 5 blocks down the road from her.
I was not doing well. I allowed myself to get sick in the midst of all of this. I never get sick. Or I haven’t in many years, at least. I was coughing. I couldn’t breathe. Snot was constantly coming out of my nose. I was barely with it. I would cry. I would be angry. I would be confused.
She just listened. She didn’t ask many questions. She didn’t dole out any judgments. She just listened.
And, really, isn’t that what everyone needs when your life falls apart? Someone to just listen? Then you can just release it and try to make some sense of it.
She let me have my bender. It was just 3 1/2 beers. Her friend gave us a pizza. I don’t drink, and I’m not big. The 3 1/2 craft beers were enough to get me plastered. She took me bowling. I don’t remember much of it.
Another one of their friend’s paid for my bowling shoes. I’m pretty sure I got all gutter balls and one strike. Isn’t that metaphorical for life? I have to chuckle now. I didn’t win the game, but I aced that one moment.
She is a great friend. A lifetime friend. They are the best, aren’t they? Don’t get me wrong. This whole thing has been a trial, but within it, I feel like the luckiest person.
“I am safe and rooted because I am loved by God and grounded in life.”
That was my affirmation. I am safe and loved. I AM loved. I am TREMENDOUSLY loved. I am safe in that love. Always.
There is a funny thing about affirmations and prayers. They often come true.
So, back to dreaming about the pregnancy test. I woke up. A garbage truck stopped and picked up garbage outside of my window just at that moment. I had enough within me to recognize it must be significant.
I googled “pregnancy test dream.”
Don’t you love smart phones? I swear, mine has been one of my best friends in this. It’s so convenient and I can stay connected despite the chaos.