I Now Look At the Past With Love and Choose to Learn From My Old Experiences


I swear, Louise Hay, has been my best friend in this.  I’ve read two of her books amidst all of this chaos, along with many others.  I followed her exercises and cried often at myself in the mirror.  The affirmation above comes from her book You Can Heal Your Life

Life is always striking.  What a powerful thing it is to be alive, to experience, to create.  I feel incredibly blessed to continuously have the opportunity to grow and change in my consciousness.  I am grateful to have so many connections and love from those around me.  I am still so young, and already feel as though I live such a fulfilling life.  
Let’s just forget the two assault charges and affair for a moment.  In this moment, I’m pretty blessed.  I have suffered tremendously, but each time I have fallen, I have risen so much stronger than I ever imagined possible.  That’s pretty awesome.  That is what it is to be human, to be real, to embody spirit.

Tuesday I showed up for my open appointment with my probation officer.  He said, “Be at my office between 11:00 am and 4:00 pm.”  I showed up at 10:55, ate my sprouted grain cereal with almond milk in a paper coffee cup in my car, and walked into his office at 11:01 with all of my paperwork in a Manila folder.  He spoke to me for a few minutes and said, “You don’t belong here.”

He then spoke to my husband about dropping the no contact order.  My husband agreed.  I saw my son that afternoon for the first time in almost six weeks.  My husband invited me to come home.  I did.  I have eaten.  I have slept in my bed.  I have taken detox baths.  I have played with my dog.  It has been quite amazing, really. 

Today, I rested.  It was my first rest day at my home, and it was very needed.  My life has been in total flux.  

But in that rest, I did some healing work.  To add to that blessing, I did some healing work with my husband.  

It is a slow process, but I still feel like I am continuously taking steps in the best possible direction.  We will have had four appointments with the top Imago therapist in Nashville within a week.  I don’t know if you are familiar with Imago, but it uses your current relationship to heal past traumas.  I have heard so many amazing things about it and read Getting the Love You Want.

I touched on this briefly in my previous post.  My husband and I have been a couple for almost a decade now.  It has been trying.  I work very hard on remaining conscious and have grown more and more with age.  That is just therapist territory.  We see behavioral patterns that are lost on many.  

My husband has a lot of his own trauma that was also brought to our relationship.  We all do it.  His trauma resulted in rigidity and control.  Mine resulted in illness and chaos.  This is a common pattern in marriages.  

I saw it and was aware of it, especially as my education increased.  Once one partner comes into consciousness, it isn’t always easy to bring the other partner.  My husband is especially willful.  He is an extremely intelligent man and highly successful.  Having his wife making suggestions that he has past trauma can be damaging to the ego.  

I lived in this for years with a pretty high level of awareness of what was going on.  At several points I tried to leave and he made my exit almost impossible due to just a huge separation of resources.  

It wasn’t pleasant.  It was extremely difficult, actually, to maintain my own trauma and try to navigate his.  Until one day I hit my “fuck it” button.  I call this my “chaos switch.”  I couldn’t leave without being promised a fight. I couldn’t stay without being promised a fight.  

One day, I said, “Okay, let me meet you where you are.”  This was after six years of marriage. What I unleashed was just a small overflow of what was bubbling beneath the surface.  This was a reaction to all of the trauma I had ever experienced.

It isn’t healthy.  It is one of the worst possible responses.  This could have gone a thousand different ways.  A thousand.  I could easily still be incarcerated.  This could have easily destroyed my life and my career.  Easily.  I would never recommend this action to anyone.  

The healthiest thing I could have done was leave.  And to have done it early.  I was more fearful of hurting my child(ren), but in the end I hurt them, anyway.  But what do you do when you are a trapped bird in someone else’s cage?  Not what I did, but in my luck and universal blessing, it actually worked heavily in my favor.

My refusal to tolerate the behavior resulted in him actually acknowledging:

Yes, this is more than you.

Yes, this requires counseling.

Yes, I want our marriage more than I want to be right. 

Yes, I have been rigid and controlling. 

Yes, I choose a better life for us. 

And, so, in those choices, we move forward.  In those choices we choose life, love, happiness, family, and togetherness.  In this, we are tremendously blessed.  In this, we can find healing and the space we need for unconditional love.

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