Surprisingly enough, my blow up at my husband also caused a blow up of followers. I became very overwhelmed by the onslaught, but was also very flattered in most of my interactions. Something that made me feel so entirely alone, resulted in my feeling so ultimately embraced, to the point of feeling engulfed.
I had to find some kind of balance, so I minimized my Facebook friends list. My “followers” could then be transferred to my Facebook public figure page. (Be sure to give it a “like!” I want to see it reach 1200 likes just as quickly as I saw my “friends list” grow! Better yet, invite your friends to like my page too! Help me get the word out! I am also looking forward to releasing a 3 day intensive on beginning a cleanse regimen sometime before the start of next month!) This helps me remain connected to my immediate circle of friends and family. As much as I am hesitant to admit it, I need this circle of support as I begin to branch out into the world.
The amount of a following I received early on, though, forces me to question how many other wives (minorities) have a deep desire to “get through to” their husbands (oppressors), but don’t know how. I don’t recommend my way, although, I have to say that it cut to the point really quick.
I mean, realistically speaking, marriage statistics in our culture are just as alarming and baffling as marriage itself. Let’s just be real, the outcomes don’t look good. Approximately half of all marriages in America result in divorce. This looks really, really bad. And even worse for the resulting generations. But why? And what makes some marriages different?
I know for us and for me, I was demanding balance. I really love How Can I Get Through To You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women by Terrance Real. My husband has always been the type who says, “Show me the data.” This book shows him the data that he wants to see.
In the book, he discusses how women have only recently begun striving for equality in our culture through the feminist movement. It has been a hard won battle whether we want to honor that or not. We still make almost only 60% of what our male counterpart does in the work force. (My husband makes five times what I made and puts in less hours than I did).
I feel like my home represents a small picture of what is being represented throughout our culture. We may be able to go to work, but for what? Inequality in the home AND in the workforce?
Um, no thanks. No matter which way we turn, it doesn’t look great to be anyone in America right now, but it especially doesn’t look good for the minority populations. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are entering into an era of civil resistance. The underbelly of the beast is beginning to groan and threaten to topple over the monster that has been created by following the status quo.
My husband is a high powered, wealthy white man, since we are being real here. He grew up with a wealthy, high powered, white man in suburban America. His parents are retired and live on a golf course in Florida.
They are wonderful people. They also embody the narcissism that is rampant in our dominating, independent, aggressive culture. Their hearts are in the right place, but goddamned if they don’t know how to empathize with the other half. And it starts in their home. It starts with patriarchy that is passed from one generation to the next. It starts with living in blame and fear vs. love and empathy.
My husband, in his all American heritage, was never taught how to empathize. So, at age 40, he is finally conceding to his therapist wife, that it is about damn time to learn this skill. And with that being said, it is about damn time that our culture at large learns it too.
However, teaching others empathy begins with the teacher finding empathy for the student. This is hard. This requires the oppressed to empathize with the oppressor. And, well, that’s some very exhausting soul work. I’m the first to admit it and you have seen my challenges in that.
My husband is quick to point out that his life was and is far from perfect. And, well, he is right. Read his most recent blog post here and read my previous ones here. It isn’t perfect. We are often a struggling, fumbling mess that somehow makes it from one day to the next.
However, I am a mother of two boys, and if there is one thing I desire for them, it is for them to honor the innate beauty and intelligence of all people, and to expect the same from others. All forms of equality begins in the home. That is where empathy and love is taught from day one. Do you model empathy? Does your spouse? Is it given freely to your children? To those outside of your home?
In my adventures in homelessness, I saw that in all of the households I was welcomed into, everyone else is also struggling with these same power imbalances, in one form or fashion. We just like to continue a facade of independence as was taught to us by our narcissistic forefathers – all of whom I am immensely grateful to, by the way, for creating the foundation we currently have. We just must all admit at this point, that with growth, comes the need for change. We are ready for a reorganization of the American home, and by extension, the American culture.
It takes a certain kind of person to be bold in that way. There is virtue in that masculine dominance. You get. Shit. Done. My husband gets. Shit. Done. So did his father. And so forth and so on. This is male domination at its finest.
Males who said, “No! I have the most testosterone, intensity, domination, etc.” have gone down in the history books.
Little did history recognize, the female counterpart can be a force to reckon with, as well. And there is truth in the saying that “behind every great man there is a great woman.” We get little thanks for the nurturing feminine that is required to balance that dominating male. And, honestly, we deserve it, because without one there cannot be the other.
That intensity of energies requires a deep empathy for the counterpart as well. This is something I have picked up early. I continue to hone my sharp edges every day. I still have to acknowledge the truth of it: You win far more battles with empathy, kindness, love, and openness. That, in itself, requires a certain kind of strength.
It is frightening to be vulnerable, but so worth it. Ultimately, I don’t need to be saved. I can save myself. I just need my counterparts to believe in me and help me find that balance within my ferocity. Really, isn’t this the balance that we all seek with one another?
And, this, is my goal for our “new marriage.” Now, if only this awareness and understanding can expand to the “new American male” who is willing to succumb to his feminine half. If only this awareness and understanding can expand to all opposites to find their counterbalances meet peacefully within our society.
There is something beautiful when these energies come into balance in a sacred union. Only positive growth can flower from such deep roots.