Finding Faith in Desolation of the Soul 

I found this in my drafts today.  Today is not as great of a day as I would like.  I’m exhausted.  And that is an understatement.  I’m not sure that there is a word to describe how I feel.  

Desolate?  It sure seems like a much better fit.  

My bed feels like the only safe place in this world.  And clothes seem so bothersome.  And light.  Today, I realized quite desperately, that we need blackout curtains in our bedroom.  Today, the sun feeling entitled to wake me up at 5:30 AM was a bit too much.

It has been a long time since I’ve really significantly struggled with depression.  When I became pregnant with my youngest son, I promised myself that I would love and care for myself from that point forward.  

And so I did.  And it felt amazing.  Over the last few months, I let myself slip out of priority.  It was like a cascade of things happened one after another.  I put myself on the back burner, but then I arrived to today and realized I’m officially burned out.  I lost my hope, faith, center, what have you, when my mother in law made a massively disparaging comment about my character.  I haven’t been able to regain that space.  It has been almost two months, and I feel like my soul is wasting away.  

I talked to my husband some about it yesterday.  I am two months shy of turning 30.  He turned 40 last year, so I look to him about insights regarding aging.  

He said 30 was hard for him.  I have to say that it is proving hard for me too.  I am trying to find my place in the world, and truly have no idea where that place exists.  

And, well, that’s tough.  I did find it reassuring though, that when I was feeling so profoundly low, that I got on here to read the following post:

Do you ever get knocked down so hard that it just knocks the wind out of you?  

I’m pretty sure that every person can relate to this situation.  

It has happened so often to me that anymore, I mostly just shake my head, regain my bearings, gather my strength, and begin anew.  There were times in my life when I didn’t carry this level of faith.  I look back on those times with immense sadness.  I didn’t value myself then nearly as much as I do now. 

Now, I know my truth.  I know my value.  I know my beauty.  Why?  Because I know exactly who I am, and that person is beautiful. She is amazing.  She shines a light so bright that it echoes throughout the universe.  And I absolutely love who I am.  

My hope is that every person that I meet and encounter also feels this way about themselves.  Because when you feel this way about yourself your love is endless.  

I had two thoughts today when spending the morning with my family.  We took a leisurely stroll up a stream bed on a hot summer day, stopping periodically to catch crawdads.  My husband and I were hanging out and sharing our thoughts as they arose.  They were so significant to me that I stopped and wrote them down.  

“Love is when you love someone so much that all you want for them is happiness.”

“It’s a freeing thing to step outside of someone else’s negativity.”


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