Desolate? It sure seems like a much better fit.
My bed feels like the only safe place in this world. And clothes seem so bothersome. And light. Today, I realized quite desperately, that we need blackout curtains in our bedroom. Today, the sun feeling entitled to wake me up at 5:30 AM was a bit too much.
It has been a long time since I’ve really significantly struggled with depression. When I became pregnant with my youngest son, I promised myself that I would love and care for myself from that point forward.
And so I did. And it felt amazing. Over the last few months, I let myself slip out of priority. It was like a cascade of things happened one after another. I put myself on the back burner, but then I arrived to today and realized I’m officially burned out. I lost my hope, faith, center, what have you, when my mother in law made a massively disparaging comment about my character. I haven’t been able to regain that space. It has been almost two months, and I feel like my soul is wasting away.
I talked to my husband some about it yesterday. I am two months shy of turning 30. He turned 40 last year, so I look to him about insights regarding aging.
He said 30 was hard for him. I have to say that it is proving hard for me too. I am trying to find my place in the world, and truly have no idea where that place exists.
And, well, that’s tough. I did find it reassuring though, that when I was feeling so profoundly low, that I got on here to read the following post:
I’m pretty sure that every person can relate to this situation.
It has happened so often to me that anymore, I mostly just shake my head, regain my bearings, gather my strength, and begin anew. There were times in my life when I didn’t carry this level of faith. I look back on those times with immense sadness. I didn’t value myself then nearly as much as I do now.
Now, I know my truth. I know my value. I know my beauty. Why? Because I know exactly who I am, and that person is beautiful. She is amazing. She shines a light so bright that it echoes throughout the universe. And I absolutely love who I am.
My hope is that every person that I meet and encounter also feels this way about themselves. Because when you feel this way about yourself your love is endless.
I had two thoughts today when spending the morning with my family. We took a leisurely stroll up a stream bed on a hot summer day, stopping periodically to catch crawdads. My husband and I were hanging out and sharing our thoughts as they arose. They were so significant to me that I stopped and wrote them down.
“Love is when you love someone so much that all you want for them is happiness.”
“It’s a freeing thing to step outside of someone else’s negativity.”