Your Super Crunchy Guide to Birth Control

I’m working on it.

Do you know how hard it is to swallow ten pills at once?  The whole thing is awkward, but it is the only way to take ten pills in one sitting.  If you try to take them one at a time, you will burn through your daily water requirement.  That’s just as awkward and weird feeling. 

Earlier this month I was convinced I was passing a kidney stone.  I had horrible lower back pain, I had to pee all the time, and my sleep was super restless.  Just as quickly as the pain came on, it passed a couple of days later.  I assumed that I must have passed it and just not noticed it.  

This morning I had a surprise that was so shocking I shook for about an hour straight.  My mind was flooded with a hundred thousand different thoughts and I couldn’t make sense out of any of them. 

We went for a family hike to help shake us back to earth.  On that hike, a butterfly landed on my husband and stayed there for about five minutes.  

If you believe in spirit animals, butterflies represent positive transformation.  

I don’t use birth control.  I’m one of those holistic health junky people, remember?  So what do the super crunch use for birth control?  You have a few options:

  • Diaphragm
  • Condom
  • Spermicide 
  • Withdrawal
  • A combination of any of the above

So, these are the super crunch birth control options.  I have a diaphragm – also awkward.  Very awkward.  And condoms are fine, as long as you aren’t a man.  Apparently men don’t like condoms.  Condom manufacturers should really look into this.  We have spermicide, but my husband is convinced that it will make his sperm genetically mutated and cause him to create a hulk baby, or some other strange human anomaly.  

Withdrawal.  This is actually the method that we use most often in conjunction with FAM/NFP (Fertility Awareness Method/Natural Family Planning).  The clincher, though, is that for withdrawal to work, you know, you have to actually withdraw.  

I love Fertility Awareness Method.  Love it.  All I have to do is take my temperature every morning, chart my fertility signs, and voila.  It’s actually extremely reliable when used correctly: using a non hormonal birth control method when you are fertile.  

I’ve used it since several months prior to Leif’s conception with no issue.  Leif was also a blessing disguised as an “accident.”  Sometimes, will power is a tough thing to really tap into.  Sometimes.

But when you have a toddler throwing fits at least once a day, will power seems to be easier and easier to find.  Thank goodness.  I love him tremendously, but he does require a certain amount of presence that forces many other things to the back burner.  This is just age 3. I don’t think there is any escaping it for any parent.  

Sometimes, though.  Sometimes the method has worked so effectively, you’re like “eh, what’s one more day? There is like a 5% chance.  You’re safe(ish).”  And that risk is chosen.  

But when you are me and when you are my husband, it only requires a 4-5% chance.

I have a knack for unplanned pregnancies.  I swear that somewhere deep in my subconscious I have some strange plan to single handedly repopulate the earth.  

I love my babies SO much, but my logical mind is screaming.  What. The. Actual. Fuck.  Like I’m too old to be having unplanned pregnancies.  Did I not learn my lesson at 17, at 25?  Now at 29? 

We live in a two bedroom apartment.  This would put us at a family of 5 plus a German shepherd.  My shenanigans have resulted in a complete loss of savings and the ability to apply for licensure in social work (until next June).  So work with an income that exceeds the cost of childcare is not an option (yet).  I refuse to go to the hospital for another baby, and almost didn’t with Leif.  When my husband threatened to call an ambulance, I finally agreed to get in the car.  I had a baby about 10 minutes after finishing my triage and paperwork.  This requires an out of pocket expense for a home birth midwife.  We don’t have the support of my in laws, who I always thought we could depend on if some sort of bizarre and unexpected crisis hit us, you know, since they are loaded

My mind keeps going over these things, but in my heart… I love my heart.  I can always count on it.  My mind, not so much.  My heart is overjoyed.  My heart trusts and has faith in the miraculousness of the universe.  My heart says, you are an expert at unplanned blessings now.  You can roll with the punches like a boss.  

I get the true miracle of being a woman, a mother, yet again.  I get to birth another soul into the world.  I get to nurse another precious life with my love.  So many questions come into my head.

Will it be healthy

Will it be a boy or a girl?

Will I finally have a baby with curly hair?

What color will it’s eyes be?

What kind of brother will Leif be? 

What kind of pregnancy will I have this time?

I try with everything I have to push aside my logical mind and focus on these most profound feelings.  

I am excited to see how this next adventure unfolds.  I am blessed in that my life is never boring.  

For now, though, I’m trying to get used to swallowing 8 prenatal vitamins and 2 omega vitamins in one fell swoop without throwing it back up. 

Wish me luck!


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